Conditions: light rain, cold, overcast, not very windy, sorta grim. Pitch: Very heavy, long grass, surface water all over, soon churned-up into one gigantic mud-bath.

Location: Pitch next to PV training ground, next to Vale Park

Time: 11am 3/12/05

Readers of a delicate disposition should put this document down now. Unfortunately for all concerned this report revolves rather too much around the functioning of a certain person's posterior. The tone was set at 8.20 am when he who shall not be named appeared 20 mins late for the appointed departure time with a rip-roaring excuse, "I shat meself, so I had to go and 'ave a bath". Apparently the delicate creature had interacted in a somewhat detrimental way to some medication and his bowels took priority over his Bowles.

Having dispensed with the niceties, a fully loaded Juzz-jalopy set-off for Port Vale, late and in classroom mode. Now I'm no spring chicken, being a mere 44 year-old, but the level of conversational skills displayed by my youthful companions (Mungo 20, PeeWee 16 and Jamie 20-something) made my 9 year old look like a Pulitizer Prize winner. Why does every sentence have to end with "In it", in it? My heart sank as the chosen radio station of the yooff was searched for: Radio 1, to some ill effect. When PeeWee failed to succeed in tuning-in the radio to Mungos' 1500 "toon"-playing IPod, it was with a great sense of relief. So we all settled down to a Mungoloid conversational stream of consciousness that lasted the full 2 hours of the journey. Things could only get better ...?

Quite the worst set of directions ever received meant we drove round Port Vale and attached pitches for a good 10 minutes before finding our allotted bog. A kindly PV player pointed us to the visitors car-park and the pub to get changed in. So we drove back. A few phone calls and 4 car loads of players duly converged, decanted and discovered that the pub was all locked-up.

Tempers were rising. Frange displaying hitherto unknown ire, screamed at everyone, which is very unusual as it's usually himself that he lambastes and we all decided to go back to the place we had been 20 minutes ago. All parked-up on a residential cul-de-sac high over-looking the peaty bog, 14 players proceeded to get changed in the middle of the road. Bizarre, surreal, and yet all part and parcel of the great IFA experience.

Whilst we didn't have any changing rooms and therefore no showers, the rain started to come down and looking around the squad, I came to the conclusion that with 2 other keepers in the squad, my playing services could be dispensed with. Sure enough the gaffer concurred and it turned-out to be the best decision of the day. Below us the bog lay glistening in the rain. Frustratingly between the bog and Port Vales' stadium were two stonking pitches, presumably PV's training ground which were being occupied by Vale and Rochdale youth teams. So near, yet so far.

We wish PV every luck in securing access to these pitches next season as it will make the whole experience considerably different. When our lot had finally got into their nice newly laundered Denis the Menace red and black hooped kit, they then stood shivering in the rain whilst the new uber-gaffer Jordan barked out admin. He was mercifully short, well for him - a mere 10 minutes, possibly prompted by the sight of half his team turning blue. Finally, the team was named and 11 hardy souls took to the pitch. On the sidelines were myself and Mad Dog, Immy who was still in disgrace for his Oxford lunacy. So actually we only had one sub and it was our new debutant keeper. Our advert in AKUTRs had landed a new recruit called George. Zippy or Bungle for a nickname anyone? He certainly looked the business : tall and immaculately kitted-out - but how good was he between the sticks? Well, as it unfolded, we are still none-the-wiser.

The starting XI continued with the 4-3-3 formation so successfully utilised in the second half at Oxford. Or more accurately 4-1-2-1-2 diamond formation.

GK : Rob
RB : Orville LB : Frange
CB : Tina & Peewee
RM : Mungo LM : Slouch
CM : Riz & Jordan
S : Sharkey & Jamie

Subs : Zippy

Port Vale had turned out with a gigantic squad, enough to field almost two teams. However, judging by some of the spindly legs and extended bellies, the quality was liable to be variable. Indeed, it transpires that they have a truly open-door policy which probably explains why their results are not exactly sparkling and they might reconsider this unadulterated policy as some of them are getting p%%d off with being on the wrong end of too many drubbings. It's always a difficult balance to let everyone play, yet also retain competitiveness so people want to keep turning-up. They provided a young ref who did as good a job as most refs I've seen.

The first 5 minutes set the tone of the game, with ASB securing three corners in quick succession and PV being pinned back deep into their own half. However their long-haired left winger excelled himself and made mincemeat of our right hand side, beating three players, only to literally run into PeeWee doing a passable impression of a brick wall. Said player, aka Hippy, collapsed into a crumpled heap as his bollox took the force of the block. Hippy showed a bit of spark and he looked a decent player.

The pitch was literally like a marsh, with surface water an inch deep in some places. The middle soon cut-up horrendously and all the players had to literally run through treacle. With the length of the grass and the pitch soon a bog, it was very heavy going and very difficult to judge the ball and certainly not conducive to ASB's passing game. However, the lads adapted well and tried as best to seek the wings that at least had some grass still left on it.

After 10 minutes, Jordan had the first proper effort on goal, with a chip from outside of the box just over the top of the bar. The PV keeper looked quite decent and was blocking, catching anything that went near him. After 17 mins, Riz threaded a well-weighted through ball for Jamie to latch onto. He hit it low but just past the post.

For all the ASB pressure, it was PV who actually came closest in the first part of the game. Our defence went to sleep for a bit, and Rob was forced into making a one-on-one save. Was it tipped over the bar? The breakthrough came on 20 minutes. Jamie, broke into the left hand side of the box, cut-back onto his right foot and drew a late tackle from the flailing right back. He went down, but I was surprised that the young ref awarded us a penalty. Riz duly stepped-up and slotted well into the bottom right. Keeper had no chance.

0-1 (Riz)
 
Straight after kick-off, the keeper frustrated Jordan with a good save. ASB huffed and puffed and PV defended with grim determination, occasionally booting the ball into the ASB half to relieve the pressure. After 30 minutes, Mungo had an attack of the wheezes and had to come off. This time it was not his bottom that had got him into trouble. He had literally run himself into the ground. The demands of playing on the heavy surface and in a three man midfield clearly had taken its toll.

ASB were down to 10 men and we had no option but to bring-on our spare keeper, Zippy into the middle. A managerial masterstroke, as Zippy turned out to be a rather useful outfield player. On 31 mins, Orville took a deep corner form the right that Slouch latched onto and drove back across the keeper for the second goal.

0-2 (Slouch)

Orville was taking-up increasingly more forward positions down the right and it was from one of these forays, that he received a ball laid back to him and he swung over a speculative deep cross from the sideline to the far post. The ball went up, and up and curved as it came down and neatly dropped over the top of the back-peddling keeper into the far top side-netting.
 
0-3 (Orv)
 
Did he mean it? Well you'll have to ask Ronaldinho, who did the same thing to a hapless Seaman in the World Cup. Suffice to say, Orv was rather pleased with his first ever ASB goal and was duly mobbed by his adoring fans. One thing is for sure, if you ain't there, you don't score and Orv certainly deserved his goal.

It's usually at this point, when the third goes in, that our opposition begin to crumble and this was no exception. To be fair to PV, ASB had by now got into their stride after the customary slow start and PV constantly battled to keep us out. The fourth and best goal came after 36 mins. ASBs' tails were firmly up and the passing was beginning to flow. This goal was pure showboat. A 6 pass move worked its way down the left hand side, for the ball to be played to Riz 20 yards out in the middle of the pitch. He looked-up and delicately chipped the ball over the keeper. ASB dissolved into a smug-self-congratulatory-bundle at the sheer elegance of the move and goal.
 
0-4 (Riz)
 
On 43 mins, Sharkey then scored a goal of immaculate delivery. He received the ball 20 yards out with back to goal and a defender behind him, turned on a sixpence and in the same turn, hit the ball hard and low into the bottom right corner.
 
0-5 (Sharkey)
 
It's probably just as well that half-time came, because ASB were rampant and it gave PV a chance to reorganise. HT 0-5 Despite the rain holding off for most of the half, the pitch had deteriorated into a mud-bath. Jordan had little to say at half-time as he was very satisfied with our performance. We resolved to continue in the same vein. It was not to be however, and in the second half Port Vale reshaped, brought back their experienced centre-half and looked a more solid outfit altogether. ASB were reduced to battling in the mud in the middle rather than in danger areas. Indeed PV started to cause some problems for us at the back. Soon after kick-off, Orv got caught slightly too advanced and the PV left winger put over a decent cross, which Rob did well to just get his finger-tips to and deflect it out to the other side of the pitch and away from the waiting PV striker.

A minute later Zippy who had taken to his midfield berth like a duck to water, as opposed to a goalie out of his depth, stormed through the middle -he's got some pace and a decent engine - to shoot low for it to be saved by the keeper on his right hand side. This was to be repeated a few more times during the half.

On 49 minutes, Tina developed Cookieitis - clearly slipping over for no apparent reason is an infectious disease and Tina needs to be kept well away from Lee Cook. He slipped over landing flat on his face in the mud, this let the PV striker in one on one with Rob. Looked a surefire goal, but the big man stood-up, and made it difficult for the striker who shot too close to Rob and Rob pulled off another good one on one save. A couple of minutes later, Zippy ran down the left and placed a perfect cross onto Sharkeys' unmarked bonce, only for Sharkey to nod wide.
 
Tina had by now developed full-blown Cookieitis and proceeded to slip over twice in succession - rather comical from the sidelines. Bit like a puppet having his strings pulled. The flying squirrel had become a mudrat on skates. On 53 mins, Jamie who had come close on several occasions had another shot pushed past the post low on the right hand side. Seemed he would never score. George was at this point the best player on the pitch, bursting about all over the place. Our front three were tiring now as the mud took its toll and it looked like the goals had run-dry.

However, at this point our left hand side kicked-in. Frange was getting further forward and although he entertained us with his trademark slice to touch a few times, he was also linking-up well with Slouch. Slouch had reverted to his traditional touchline hugging position and was wreaking havoc. On 57, Slouch beat a few players down the left hand side then cut in along the byline, but nothing came from it. PV were not finished up our end though and they again crossed from their left and Frange headed clear. The ball was then pumped back in and a PV striker managed to lift the ball over the bar right in front of goal when it seemed easier to score.

On 65 Riz shot, Jamie had another shot pushed past the post, Jordan had a shot tipped over the bar. The front three were getting frustrated and really tired. Tina found his studs and had a storming run with the ball through the middle but to no avail. Into the 70th minute and still no goal. Jamie crossed from the right, unlike Orv it went just over the bar. Slouch burst in to the box again and had a shot saved. Finally, after 73 minutes Jordan gave it one last effort and stormed down the right, and pulled the ball across the keepers box for a simple PeeWee tap in ... what was he doing there?

0-6 (PeeWee)
 
Jordan took himself off and switched Jamie into the middle with Mungo coming back on. The ball was headed over the bar again. On 82m, louches efforts finally bore fruit as he again roasted their right back and cut into the box, laying the ball on a plate for an eager Jamie to at last get his deserved goal from 2 yards.

0-7 (Jamie)
 
A minute later Slouch repeated his trick and set-up Zippy this time, who also had his shot pushed past the post ... the keeper really did very well all game. Poor old Hippy, got blocked for the second time, this time by Orv and unlucky fella ended-up clutching his jewels for the second time in one game. Ouch.

On 84, Riz had his hat-trick denied as Jamie had set him-up by using his hand. The ref who had had a decent game, blew-up and put PV out of their misery. PV had shown in the second-half that if they sort themselves out, they've got a reasonable team lurking in that huge squad. They could easily have scored on a couple of occasions and it took us 30 minutes to score in the second half. Apply that performance across 90 minutes and the game could've been different. To be fair, we were all over them, but they certainly had their moments.
 
Juzz ratings:
 
Rob 8/10 : Some excellent saves when required.

Orv 8/10 : Very good first half especially.

Tina 7/10 : Get some studs.

PeeWee 7/10 : Relatively quiet game, but still managed to score.

Frange 7/10 : Good going forward, need to work on cutting out those errors

Slouch 8/10 : Quiet first half, but came alive in the second - like old-stylee Slouch. Can tear apart teams if in the mood.

Riz 9/10 : Riz at his best. Disciplined holding midfield role. Pulled all the strings. Made everything tick and scored two goals as well. M.O.M

Jordan 8/10: Linking well at the head of the diamond. Ran out of steam a bit in the second, but that's not surprising given the conditions. Needs to drop a bit deeper occasionally to support the midfield with this formation, but as we had so much possession not a significant issue.

Mungo 6/10: Ran around like a loon, but then blew-up. Sort your fitness out son and give up the ciggies.

George 8/10: Excellent debut and a quality addition to the squad. Look forward to seeing him between the sticks.

Sharkey 7/10: Not ideal Sharkey conditions in the mud, but always looked dangerous. Quality goal.

Jamie 8/10: Got into so many good positions. Need to work hard in training on developing a killer finishing technique. Unluckily thwarted several times by a keeper on top form. Got just reward for keeping head-up and constantly banging on the door with his goal.

Juzza 9/10: Bloody long way to drive for no game

Immy 10/10: For coming all this way to support the lads. 0/10 for vocal technique!

So the team retired to the open-air 'dressing room', literally caked head to toe in mud. Bad time of the year to play this fixture! I can't imagine what the people in the bungalows made of our impromptu dressing room. Clothes had to go on over mud-caked limbs as it was 1pm and we need to travel the 4 miles to Stoke through the roadworks.
 
Amazingly, we managed to get a parking space at the pub near the Brittania and all sit down for a slap-up chicken or steak meal. QPR then entertained us all no end by playing the worst 90 minutes of play I think I've seen in which the entire second half was played with backs to the wall against a 10 man Stoke side. Awful, but such a laugh to nick 3 points with a 2-1 win and frustrate the Neanderthals so badly, a couple of them actually tried to take on Simon Royce at the end of the game - dear oh dear.
 
What is it about Stoke? Do they put grumpy stuff in their water? So we walked out of the Brittania to no obvious police presence and hoards of numpties trying to attack the QPR bus to the station. It was with some great pleasure that we finally got out of the potteries with 6 points in the bag and thousands of whingeing Stokies left crying into their milk for the second year on the trot. Port Vale on the other hand are a nice bunch of lads and I really hope they get access to that training pitch, it will make all the difference.
 
Meanwhile, back to the real villain of the piece, that certain persons bottom. The journey back can only be described as a flatulence extravaganza as PeeWee and Mungo held their own perverse competition. Bit of advice to drivers, never give Mungo or PeeWee a lift ... phew what a stink!

Juzza