In the fine words of AKURs, but first an apology. Next time I'm due
a report you really should let me know before the game. I'm ok on
tactics and general thoughts but ask me to recall specific incidents
and I do a passable imitation of my goldfish. Now my goldfish Ron
may be many things - he has a surprisingly developed personality, an
acute sense of where his bread / fish flakes are buttered and can
also splash a not inconsiderable amount of water out of the tank
when it's being cleaned - but his memory of noteworthy incidents
during ASB matches that might make it into reports is not what it
should be. And neither, alas, is his owner's.
That said I can recall that we waited a long time for the match to
start as three of Dulwich's players were coming from Belgium via
Dulwich. Presumably nobody had forewarned them of the perils of
attempting to drive through London. In the words of The Kooks
(middle ranking indie combo from the south coast) so naive... So on
the fine basis that nobody else would volunteer and Frangi wasn't
there, Pee-wee, Diego and Pete volunteered for the roles of
turncoats of the day and the bouquets and brickbats that go with
such a move.
ASB lined up as follows:
Tragilee
Orville Woody Tina task
Mungaloid Justin Strewth Slouch
Jamie Babyface
Dulwich wore a fetching pink kit and nominally played Pee-wee in
midfield (hah!), Diego on the right and Pete on the left. Although
really it was kind of fluid and basically they somehow managed to
play with too many people in the wrong place at the wrong time. Any
minor concerns about our own players causing us issues and being too
up for playing team-mates were swiftly allayed. Although the ASB
loanees did figure well for Dulwich, ASB quite quickly established a
midfield dominance without really ever clicking into gear that well.
Early forays down the left established the fact that when we got our
pass and move short stuff going we would be a handful for Dulwich.
Their 'keeper was not a regular but was proving adept at battering
on target shots away with whatever bit of his body he fancied,
frequently his legs. Mungo glanced a ball onto the cross bar from a
Justin corner but the rebound wouldn't fall our way. As it was our
first goal came from a rather more prosaic dead ball source - a
throw in. task fed Babyface with a long throw to the edge of the
area. Babyface held off his defender, created a bit of space for
himself and shot past the 'keepers near post.
1-0 - Babyface (Nick-nick), Task assist
Dulwich were showing plenty of endeavour and the odd flash of skill,
but couldn't knit their individual efforts into anything too
substantial as a team. This was understandable given they had three
ASB loanees, but if anything it gave us too much of a platform.
Instead of looking to play the short passing football that serves us
best, we too often chose the easy option of playing the ball forward
quickly. Granted sometimes this worked, but it was more down to
individuals having greater pace or strength than any particular
guile or good play on our part.
When we did get the ball down and play we invariably created better
chances. Slouch clipped the bar after a nice move down the left and
Babyface again went close, before Slouch notched his first. Neat
interplay down the left put Justin through into their area. He got
close to the byline before squaring for Slouch who find the bottom
right corner with a neat swivel-and-whack manoeuvre.
2-0 Slouch, Justin assist
ASB managed to notch one more in the first half - Mungo got free in
the box only to shoot straight into the 'keepers midriff.
Fortunately Tim followed up for a neat finish from close range - to
leave us 3-0 up at the break. Comfortable, cruising to a win, but
left with a gnawing dissatisfaction that our performance had not
been up to scratch. Our half-time teamtalk emphasised the need to up
our work rate in midfield and attack, especially when defending and
to play more football on the deck. Sharkey came on up front for
Jamie.
3-0 Tim, Mungo assist
Half Time ASB 3 Dulwich Hamlet 0
Dulwich played with ten men for a bit for no apparent reason other
than their right winger fancied a rest. He snuck back into play
during one of their attacks and crept up on me as I was letting the
ball go across me so I could clear it from danger. Although I hadn't
seen him come back on, fortunately my team mates were more alert and
gave me a shout of man on. I cleared it just in time to get pushed
back in the chest and studded on my foot. At this point I did have a
go at the ref - mea culpa I know I shouldn't have done - but it was
a poor decision to wave him back on at a time when his team were
attacking and his entrance (in an offside position initially coming
back onside into play) went unnoticed.
The pattern of the second half was similar to the first. We were
still too keen to get the ball forward. Sharkey's pace meant this
option was even easier to take and as Dulwich pushed up Justin took
full advantage, releasing Sharkey to slot home past the 'keeper.
4-0 Sharkey, Justin assist
The fifth is a bit hazy as it was one of those that just seemed to
pop up in the run of play. We had a real purple patch at the start
of the second half and midway through as well. Nick tells me it was
as simple as Tim feeding the ball to him, he turned, ran on into the
area and slotted home into the corner. Apparently.
5-0 Babyface, Tim assist
At some point or other Peewee proved a point by netting an excellent
free-kick from about 30 yards out on the corner of the box. I'm not
sure if Rob was expecting it but Peewee managed to place the ball in
the near post corner. You don't expect to be beaten there as
a 'keeper from range but it took Rob by surprise and was an
excellent finish. I'm guessing this made it 5-1.
Whenever it was, ASB were cruising by this point and I think Dulwich
began to sense that resisting the ASB borg was futile. Although our
all round game was below par, we had enough pace up front and were
winning enough individual battles not to worry too much about being
a team. Personally, I don't think this was a great thing, but it
seems churlish to criticise a 10-1 win, although that's exactly what
I think we should do.
At this point Sharkey began to go into overdrive. Whether it was
serendipity, or sheer desire having been substitute for the first
half, one goal just clearly wasn't enough for the hungry hungry
shark. ASB won a free kick in the left back area. As is my wont I
told Justin to piss off up field and let me take the free kick.
Justin made a run into a free channel and yelled back 'are you
watching?'. I was. And managed to flight a pretty satisfying through
ball right into his path. Unfortunately the last man for Dulwich
came across and cleared for a corner. Fortunately Justin returned
the favour, finding me direct from a corner. I headed back across
goal from beyond the penalty spot to the six yard box, where Sharkey
made a nuisance of himself getting in front of the 'keeper and
poking the ball home from the middle of a melee.
6-1 - Sharkey, Task assist
Orv got an injury at this point, so ASB reshuffled. Jamie came on at
right wing, Mungo shifted to right back. The next goal really summed
up the game, ASB scoring a shit goal with ease. Maybe it was just a
day when everything fell into place without trying but it happened
like this. Mungo was under pressure at right back, tidied up neatly
and managed to welly the ball clear with some ferocity. The ball
flew exocet-like into the Dulwich half, behind their defence.
Sharkey was alert enough to latch onto the ball before the 'keeper
could come out to clear. He scored past the 'keeper with ease. Far
too much ease.
7-1 - Sharkey, Mungo assist
Maybe it was serendipity, maybe hunger. Either way, next time round
Dulwich didn't even manage to get a goal kick past their first
defender. Whether he didn't notice what was going on I don't know,
but the hungry hungry shark dispossessed the hapless centre back and
meandered into the area. He looked at the lino, no offside. He could
have lit a cigar, put up a deckchair, collected some wood, lit a
campfire, roasted a hog, maybe some marshmallows too, perhaps dozed
a little, woken up, tied his boots together... and still scored.
Easy. Too easy.
8-1 - Sharkey, no assist
Frankly I was bored by now as was most of the team. The defence were
finding it a real effort to push up and people only seem to come
alive when the ball was in their area. Or, as in the case of Slouch,
when felled by the Dulwich right midfielder who had snuck on earlier
much to my chagrin. It's pretty bizarre to see mild mannered Slouch
squaring up to anyone, let alone in a game when we're cruising, but
he didn't take kindly to a cynical hack from behind after he had
passed their player. Nobody could really raise the energy to break
it up so we were treated to the surreal site of Slouch pushing back
their man with his chest and upper arms, with nobody really throwing
any kind of punch or intimating that they might.
With not much more effort than it takes Juzza to leap to an ill
considered line of argument we scored again. The Maldini-ometer for
Karl Ready anyone? Anyway... By this time I had switched off
sufficiently to not remember a thing about the goal. Again I thank
Babyface for his recollection. Jamie chipped the ball through two
defenders who were trying in vain to play an offside trap. The trap
didn't spring so Nick ran in, took the ball past a defender and
finished cooly for his hat-trick, which must have been achieved at a
rough ratio of one goal per three chances.
9-1 Nick, Jamie Rosen assist
Still Sharkey wasn't done. Clearly hunting season in the artic
circle or something. Maybe now he's solidly with his missus he
restricts his hunting to the pitch. I don't know but it seemed like
another goal that was too easy, Woody drilling a cross from far out
that Sharkey slotted.
10-1 Sharkey, Woody assist
So that's it. Did everything just fall into place on the day? Will
we live to rue this game for having used up all our karma for the
rest of the season? What was the deal with Sharkey? Hunger or
serendipity? I like to believe you make your own luck in sport, but
did we really make this much luck on the day and play so poorly yet
deserve such a scoreline?
I'll leave the verdicts to management. Personally I think we need to
play a bit more football with a bit more short passing. We won't
have such luck every week so we had better rely on really making our
own.
task |
